allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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