Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
