I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
