woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize