One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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