I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
