I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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