so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
