I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
