y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
