Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
