you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize