Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
