her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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