Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
