Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
