i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
