I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this boner is exhausting
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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