I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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