If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize