What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
