i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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