dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
