Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
