my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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