My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
