In the future we'll all be gay
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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