Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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