Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
