I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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