i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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