Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
