so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
