You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
