I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize