My liver just broke up with me...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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