OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
