Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
