I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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