You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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