I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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