my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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