JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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