I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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