i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
