what if every blade of grass was a penis?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
