I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize