I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
