Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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