She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
