Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Banned from zoo.
Again?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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