sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
