I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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