Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize