Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize