Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
