dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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