One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
