Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The air taste purple.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize