I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
