my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
