I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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