He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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