alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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