i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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