Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
