Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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